Whether you are in a committed couples relationship or married, when you discover a partner's affair the emotional impact is quite devastating. You may be feeling traumatized, numb or overly emotional. At times you are probably finding yourself having lost your sense of self and control over your thoughts and actions. You and the whole family may feel demoralized and devalued by the betrayal. All of these things may cause you to act impulsively and/or compulsively, e.g., checking text messages, following wherever your partner goes, etc. This can be torturous. If the relationship is to be restored it must be through rebuilding trust.
Most people know that trust is not a given, it must be earned. Also, it has to be earned by walking the walk, not talking the talk. In other words, there must be very specific changes in behavior, not just verbal reassurances. Your partner needs to see that you are committed to him/her and that they are safe with you. You are assuming with this trust that your partner will remain faithful to you and will address the issues that are occurring in the relationship. If you choose to recommit to the relationship, you need to request behaviors of your partner that makes you feel more loved, safe and secure. Here are some examples:
- Call/text me during the day
- Come home to have dinner with the family
- Limit your overnight travel
- Provide me with your itinerary when traveling
- Tell me when you're proud of me
- Plan to spend alone time together
- Show me affection
- Talk to me about your feelings
- Tell me when you're feeling insecure about us
I hope some of this has been helpful. For an individual to forgive and heal they must feel that their partner gets just how deeply they have been hurt and violated. The way this comes about is by talking about the affair and how it has affected you on the most deepest level.